Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Anger Management
Might as well deliver some of my choice conversations with miscellaneous vendors.
Advertiser = A
Me = Me
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Airtel
------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Hello sir.
Me: Yes.
A: Sir, I am speaking from Airtel sir.
Me: What is this regarding?
A: Actually sir we have some new offers regarding broadband connections.
Me: Oh?
A: Sir, I'd like to tell you about our plans.
Me: *politely* No need. I want an Airtel Broadband Connection.
A: *Shocked* Really! sir?
Me: Yes. In fact, I've been applying for the connection for the last month and you keep refusing to give it to me.
A: Uh, sir, where do you live?
Me: Kaka Nagar.
A: *Pause* Actually, sir, we don't have wiring in that area, so thats why-
Me: Then why the fuck are you calling to offer me Internet?
*disconnected*
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FIITJEE
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Hello, *Insert old FIITJEE ID No. Here*, Could you please tell me your ranks in JEE, AIEEE, CEE and the boards?
Me: No.
A: *Pissed* What? Why?
Me: FIITJEE does not deserve credit for any of those things.
A: What makes you say that?
Me: Your teaching methods didn't work on me.
A: You're saying that we don't know how to prepare you for JEE? Don't you know that JEE rank 1 is from FIITJEE. You think he is wrong or you are wrong? He has written thank you letter.
Me: Not my place to decide, your method must have worked for him.
A: What do you think we did wrong?
Me: You treated students like cattle. Didn't even provide a proper toilet.
A: How dare you say. You didn't get through anywhere and you blame us?! Rank 1 is from FIITJEE! Its because YOU weren't prepared! YOU couldn't handle it! Join our 1 year programme and maybe next year you can atleast get something in AIEEE.
Its your fault! YOUR only chance now-
Me: *Pissed* It didn't work the first time... Also I'VE GOTTEN IN- SO STOP CALLING ME!
*SLAM*
----------------------------------------------------------------
Random Female
---------------------------------------------------------------
A: Sir, I'm calling to offer you...
Me: How did you get my number?
A: Sir I'm calling to... offer a card/insurance/something blah blah
Me: How did you get my number?
A: Actually sir, we're calling to offer blah blah
Me: Don't you know I'm in the national do not call directory?
A: Actually sir, I don't know... I'm just a sales rep.
Me: What, you're calling me on this number and you don't know how you got it or if its legal? What kind of shoddy employee are you?
A: Actually sir, the telephone providers sell us the number-lists of those who aren't on the Do not call list. They must have forgot to update.
Me: My Service Provider is selling my number?
A: Yes sir.
Me: What do you know about this? Is it legal- I thought there were laws against this kind of thing.
A: I don't know sir.
Me: I'm pretty sure there are, could you please give me your number so I can confirm and call back- what company did you say you were calling from?
*Disconnected*
----------------------------------------
Today
----------------------------------------
A: Sir, are you Amitabh Kumar?
Me: No.
A: Is this 91MYNUMBER?
Me: Yes.
A: Are you the current user of this phone.
Me: Yes.
A: Sir your number has been selected in a lucky draw for a special offer, we're offering you a Platinum credit card!
Me: Lucky draw?
A: Yes sir, we're offering you the card available instantly and with no limits, no conditions, no verification and no asset checks!
Me: *snap* NO ASSET CHECKS?
A: *cheerfully* Yup.
Me: What the hell is this? Do you people do NO RESEARCH AT ALL?!
A: Wha-
Me: I have no salary or credit history and you want to give people like me a limitless credit card at 30% interest?! ARE YOU ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET PEOPLE INTO DEBT?
A: Now listen to me sir-
Me: DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSED THE RECESSION WE'RE IN?!
A: *murmurs of protest*
Me: Stupid banks.
*Disconnect*
------------------------------------------
Short one
------------------------------------------
A: Hello sir, I'd like to offer you a long term property investment plan.
Me: How often do you call someone this is even vaguely relevant to?
*Disconnect*
Advertiser = A
Me = Me
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Airtel
------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Hello sir.
Me: Yes.
A: Sir, I am speaking from Airtel sir.
Me: What is this regarding?
A: Actually sir we have some new offers regarding broadband connections.
Me: Oh?
A: Sir, I'd like to tell you about our plans.
Me: *politely* No need. I want an Airtel Broadband Connection.
A: *Shocked* Really! sir?
Me: Yes. In fact, I've been applying for the connection for the last month and you keep refusing to give it to me.
A: Uh, sir, where do you live?
Me: Kaka Nagar.
A: *Pause* Actually, sir, we don't have wiring in that area, so thats why-
Me: Then why the fuck are you calling to offer me Internet?
*disconnected*
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FIITJEE
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Hello, *Insert old FIITJEE ID No. Here*, Could you please tell me your ranks in JEE, AIEEE, CEE and the boards?
Me: No.
A: *Pissed* What? Why?
Me: FIITJEE does not deserve credit for any of those things.
A: What makes you say that?
Me: Your teaching methods didn't work on me.
A: You're saying that we don't know how to prepare you for JEE? Don't you know that JEE rank 1 is from FIITJEE. You think he is wrong or you are wrong? He has written thank you letter.
Me: Not my place to decide, your method must have worked for him.
A: What do you think we did wrong?
Me: You treated students like cattle. Didn't even provide a proper toilet.
A: How dare you say. You didn't get through anywhere and you blame us?! Rank 1 is from FIITJEE! Its because YOU weren't prepared! YOU couldn't handle it! Join our 1 year programme and maybe next year you can atleast get something in AIEEE.
Its your fault! YOUR only chance now-
Me: *Pissed* It didn't work the first time... Also I'VE GOTTEN IN- SO STOP CALLING ME!
*SLAM*
----------------------------------------------------------------
Random Female
---------------------------------------------------------------
A: Sir, I'm calling to offer you...
Me: How did you get my number?
A: Sir I'm calling to... offer a card/insurance/something blah blah
Me: How did you get my number?
A: Actually sir, we're calling to offer blah blah
Me: Don't you know I'm in the national do not call directory?
A: Actually sir, I don't know... I'm just a sales rep.
Me: What, you're calling me on this number and you don't know how you got it or if its legal? What kind of shoddy employee are you?
A: Actually sir, the telephone providers sell us the number-lists of those who aren't on the Do not call list. They must have forgot to update.
Me: My Service Provider is selling my number?
A: Yes sir.
Me: What do you know about this? Is it legal- I thought there were laws against this kind of thing.
A: I don't know sir.
Me: I'm pretty sure there are, could you please give me your number so I can confirm and call back- what company did you say you were calling from?
*Disconnected*
----------------------------------------
Today
----------------------------------------
A: Sir, are you Amitabh Kumar?
Me: No.
A: Is this 91MYNUMBER?
Me: Yes.
A: Are you the current user of this phone.
Me: Yes.
A: Sir your number has been selected in a lucky draw for a special offer, we're offering you a Platinum credit card!
Me: Lucky draw?
A: Yes sir, we're offering you the card available instantly and with no limits, no conditions, no verification and no asset checks!
Me: *snap* NO ASSET CHECKS?
A: *cheerfully* Yup.
Me: What the hell is this? Do you people do NO RESEARCH AT ALL?!
A: Wha-
Me: I have no salary or credit history and you want to give people like me a limitless credit card at 30% interest?! ARE YOU ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET PEOPLE INTO DEBT?
A: Now listen to me sir-
Me: DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSED THE RECESSION WE'RE IN?!
A: *murmurs of protest*
Me: Stupid banks.
*Disconnect*
------------------------------------------
Short one
------------------------------------------
A: Hello sir, I'd like to offer you a long term property investment plan.
Me: How often do you call someone this is even vaguely relevant to?
*Disconnect*
Sunday, June 28, 2009
On seeing his College after two decades.
...
They paved paradise... and put up a parking lot.
"Those ugly girders in the main hall... I heard the staff had them installed after the Stephanian hostel boys attacked crossed the road one year and shattered all the window-panes."
"Those assholes!"
"Yeah. I mean, we used to smash up St. Stephens windows every year, but they never did anything like this."
They paved paradise... and put up a parking lot.
"Those ugly girders in the main hall... I heard the staff had them installed after the Stephanian hostel boys attacked crossed the road one year and shattered all the window-panes."
"Those assholes!"
"Yeah. I mean, we used to smash up St. Stephens windows every year, but they never did anything like this."
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Bloody Racist Indians
We were having dinner at a restaurant not too long ago. Might have been after one of my myriad exams... or before. I can't remember properly either way.
What I DO remember is that a very short while into dinner, even before finishing his glass of red wine, my father let out a somewhat uncharacteristic burst of laughter. From that mischievous glint that he gets in his eyes every now and then, I knew he had a story to tell.
The exact words elude me, obviously, but the gist of it is this.
"There is a man in my office, one of my colleagues. Mr. AssWhite. (I forget his name... and you'll try to excuse me) He used to come and talk to me, and gloat."
"Why?" I asked.
"He was very proud of his family, himself, his wife, and his daughters. They are a Punjabi family."
"And?"
" He's very proud of his family, thinks they are very superior bunch... because they are all very beautiful..."
"(WTF?)" I cut in.
"... and all of them have incredibly white skin and it's so rare to have a family that has managed to maintain this in modern times."
The emotion I was feeling cannot represented by a WTF. I felt disgusted, and more than just a little.
I did not understand why my father would even communicate with a person like that.
Then again, sometimes you can't choose the company you get. At others you stay around to satisfy perverse curiosity.
Even stronger was the desire to know why a man such as this would choose to reveal this kind of blatant racism to a colleague. Many are closet racists, many are not proud of it. Even I might have a slight racist streak (Then again, am I not allowed to have my own standard of beauty? From my current one, the ratio of good looking people from various ethnicities is unequal, skewed even, does that not make me intrinsically racist-?)
In any case. That's not the point. When compared to Mr. AssWhite in terms of the bile that is prejudice, I'm practically as 'pure as the driven snow'.
So back to the main point. Why the hell would a racist show his true colours (heh)?
Did he think my father would appreciate it, because he has fair skin?
Man... talk about being 'skin deep'.
On to the second part of the story.
"So Mr. White has sent his eldest daughter to study abroad, so that she could interact and associate with more white people and return even whiter than she'd left, perfectly ripe for marriage."
Just great. I hope Mr. Ass isn't expecting my father to provide a white groom for daughter 2. (Ok I apologize, I know this thought is baseless, petty and unwarranted- and hopelessly narcissistic. But it was one of the many that cycled through my head and I might as well note it down to remember it.)
"Except the daughter's seems to have gotten married already...
... To a Nigger."
"That's racist, Dad."
"So is the father."
Hm. Then came my slightly delayed snort of derision coupled with a hoarse laugh.
"So has Mr. Asswhite put a sock in the racist trash talk these days?"
"Not exactly. He's disowned his daughter now, cut all contact and the like.."
...Wow... just wow, that is single-handedly the most pathetic thing I've heard for a long time.
And this is probably a senior government officer, probably the product of the upper echelons of India's education system.
I find it funny that this country once supported the fight against apartheid in South Africa, when so many people within it are so deeply entrenched in a system tirelessly dividing society along lines of caste, creed, colour... these bloody racist Indians.
What I DO remember is that a very short while into dinner, even before finishing his glass of red wine, my father let out a somewhat uncharacteristic burst of laughter. From that mischievous glint that he gets in his eyes every now and then, I knew he had a story to tell.
The exact words elude me, obviously, but the gist of it is this.
"There is a man in my office, one of my colleagues. Mr. AssWhite. (I forget his name... and you'll try to excuse me) He used to come and talk to me, and gloat."
"Why?" I asked.
"He was very proud of his family, himself, his wife, and his daughters. They are a Punjabi family."
"And?"
" He's very proud of his family, thinks they are very superior bunch... because they are all very beautiful..."
"(WTF?)" I cut in.
"... and all of them have incredibly white skin and it's so rare to have a family that has managed to maintain this in modern times."
The emotion I was feeling cannot represented by a WTF. I felt disgusted, and more than just a little.
I did not understand why my father would even communicate with a person like that.
Then again, sometimes you can't choose the company you get. At others you stay around to satisfy perverse curiosity.
Even stronger was the desire to know why a man such as this would choose to reveal this kind of blatant racism to a colleague. Many are closet racists, many are not proud of it. Even I might have a slight racist streak (Then again, am I not allowed to have my own standard of beauty? From my current one, the ratio of good looking people from various ethnicities is unequal, skewed even, does that not make me intrinsically racist-?)
In any case. That's not the point. When compared to Mr. AssWhite in terms of the bile that is prejudice, I'm practically as 'pure as the driven snow'.
So back to the main point. Why the hell would a racist show his true colours (heh)?
Did he think my father would appreciate it, because he has fair skin?
Man... talk about being 'skin deep'.
On to the second part of the story.
"So Mr. White has sent his eldest daughter to study abroad, so that she could interact and associate with more white people and return even whiter than she'd left, perfectly ripe for marriage."
Just great. I hope Mr. Ass isn't expecting my father to provide a white groom for daughter 2. (Ok I apologize, I know this thought is baseless, petty and unwarranted- and hopelessly narcissistic. But it was one of the many that cycled through my head and I might as well note it down to remember it.)
"Except the daughter's seems to have gotten married already...
... To a Nigger."
"That's racist, Dad."
"So is the father."
Hm. Then came my slightly delayed snort of derision coupled with a hoarse laugh.
"So has Mr. Asswhite put a sock in the racist trash talk these days?"
"Not exactly. He's disowned his daughter now, cut all contact and the like.."
...Wow... just wow, that is single-handedly the most pathetic thing I've heard for a long time.
And this is probably a senior government officer, probably the product of the upper echelons of India's education system.
I find it funny that this country once supported the fight against apartheid in South Africa, when so many people within it are so deeply entrenched in a system tirelessly dividing society along lines of caste, creed, colour... these bloody racist Indians.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Getting "Bullied"
I don't know what I did to catch his attention, I was just walking around... and doing pretty much nothing. But I must've done something to tick the guy off, because now I was a target.
A moment ago I had been standing in the open field, now I was surrounded by people. I'm sure they were trying to intimidate me. But as far as I can tell, I can't be intimidated that way.
Only angered.
So the scrawny Alpha walks up to me as his cohorts grin in a way that temporarily deprives me of a few IQ points. A few people gather around just to watch the spectacle.
"Hey Lollipop!" He says.
I almost snort. Where the hell did he come up with that? I mean, I'm sure he's sincerely trying to demean me in the worst way imaginable, but what use is it if it makes me laugh?
The reason I did not laugh, and managed to keep a straight, serious face (hopefully), was because my mind was pondering over a few other things as well.
I wondered if Lollipop was supposed to mean that I was weak, perhaps it was homophobic jibe? Because I mean... he couldn't possibly be calling me 'sweet' right, that just wouldn't fit.
I wondered why I had been chosen- do I look like a guy who gets bullied easily?
My 'bully' was almost a head shorter than me. If the guy thought that he could still intimidate me, I really need to work on my image.
Perhaps a little late, I realized he was saying something. But I can only hope that it was something really nasty.
You see, I was completely zoned out. Intrigued, I was examining his mouth as it motored, for a few seconds, before confirming my suspicion.
This guy DID have the most degraded, discoloured coating of enamel I've ever had the pleasure of getting to observe at such close range. And again I wondered- was this bad enough to make me cringe? Or just slightly beneath cringeworthy level?
The others must've noticed what I was looking at by now.
I took a half step forward, maybe I wanted to start listening to what he was saying or perhaps adjust to an angle from which those teeth were less visible.
Along with this movement came the amusingly ironic effect of looking down at him, literally and metaphorically, simultaneously.
In retrospect, I sure would've felt bad if the guy I was speaking to was looking down at me with a disinterested face, supressing a half smile as I spoke. I sure hope I didn't come off as rude or disrespectful. Or not.
Apparently the guy was finished. Did he get bored? Surely I didn't remind him of his own inadequecies- he had known about them long before he decided to 'pick' on me.
He tossed what may or may not have been another insult at me as he backed off. I couldn't tell, I still wasn't listening (although I was pretending to, I swear. I think.)
This isn't fair man. Technically, I think I'd just been bullied. But I feel like I missed out on something important. To this day I feel a little bad about not paying attention, having missed out on the insight that the bully's words could possibly have provided.
Aw, maan.
Aw maan.
Edit: (Should I correct all the grammatical mistakes in this?)
A moment ago I had been standing in the open field, now I was surrounded by people. I'm sure they were trying to intimidate me. But as far as I can tell, I can't be intimidated that way.
Only angered.
So the scrawny Alpha walks up to me as his cohorts grin in a way that temporarily deprives me of a few IQ points. A few people gather around just to watch the spectacle.
"Hey Lollipop!" He says.
I almost snort. Where the hell did he come up with that? I mean, I'm sure he's sincerely trying to demean me in the worst way imaginable, but what use is it if it makes me laugh?
The reason I did not laugh, and managed to keep a straight, serious face (hopefully), was because my mind was pondering over a few other things as well.
I wondered if Lollipop was supposed to mean that I was weak, perhaps it was homophobic jibe? Because I mean... he couldn't possibly be calling me 'sweet' right, that just wouldn't fit.
I wondered why I had been chosen- do I look like a guy who gets bullied easily?
My 'bully' was almost a head shorter than me. If the guy thought that he could still intimidate me, I really need to work on my image.
Perhaps a little late, I realized he was saying something. But I can only hope that it was something really nasty.
You see, I was completely zoned out. Intrigued, I was examining his mouth as it motored, for a few seconds, before confirming my suspicion.
This guy DID have the most degraded, discoloured coating of enamel I've ever had the pleasure of getting to observe at such close range. And again I wondered- was this bad enough to make me cringe? Or just slightly beneath cringeworthy level?
The others must've noticed what I was looking at by now.
I took a half step forward, maybe I wanted to start listening to what he was saying or perhaps adjust to an angle from which those teeth were less visible.
Along with this movement came the amusingly ironic effect of looking down at him, literally and metaphorically, simultaneously.
In retrospect, I sure would've felt bad if the guy I was speaking to was looking down at me with a disinterested face, supressing a half smile as I spoke. I sure hope I didn't come off as rude or disrespectful. Or not.
Apparently the guy was finished. Did he get bored? Surely I didn't remind him of his own inadequecies- he had known about them long before he decided to 'pick' on me.
He tossed what may or may not have been another insult at me as he backed off. I couldn't tell, I still wasn't listening (although I was pretending to, I swear. I think.)
This isn't fair man. Technically, I think I'd just been bullied. But I feel like I missed out on something important. To this day I feel a little bad about not paying attention, having missed out on the insight that the bully's words could possibly have provided.
Aw, maan.
Aw maan.
Edit: (Should I correct all the grammatical mistakes in this?)
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