A Long Road to Redemption

On being reminded of the amount of study I still have to do in order to get into a good college, I seem to have hit a writer's block on one of the articles that was in production. In the mean while I'll try to get around it by writing about something I've been thinking a lot about.

It seems that the search for forgiveness... for me, happens... in phases.
At first there is disbelief. We cannot believe that we are responsible for what we've been put through. We fight, we protest, and as we struggle we reopen wounds that should have been allowed to heal.

I can understand this- like Socrates' general philosophy, I do not believe that anyone makes mistakes with the intention to do so. It's hard to take when things turn ugly even though you were trying to stop it. The key here is to keep your head cool, remember what is of true worth and what is not, the sooner you realize this, the sooner will you take the first steps on the long road to redemption.

Acceptance comes slowly... but most of the time we become aware of our faults.
We try to forgive ourselves. Some of us can do it. Some of us can't.
We want to forget, to move on... but rarely is it this simple. Sometimes parties forget rather than forgive, but often the old wound merely festers like a hidden gangrene until brought to the fore at a later date.

Even as you accept your mistakes, your pride stops you from truly asking for forgiveness. I will refrain from calling pride a weakness or obstruction, sometimes it is the only thing that keeps you standing as everything else crashes around you.

You might say that you're sorry, but what you really want to say is that you want to pretend it never happened. You might be forgiven as well, but more often than not, this forgiveness is merely a reciprocation of the desire to try to turn a blind eye to the issue.
But this willingness to reconcile is the first step, not the last.

A conflict between egos is not a blow to shell, but rather the injection of a chronic illness into the system. Resolution is not waiting for the flesh to heal, but working actively to cure the disease.
Even if you feel bad about what you've done, it isn't worth anything, until you work to make it count.

The third step is the longest... the hardest. Walking towards redemption, never knowing if you'll ever achieve it.
If you ever do, you'll have long forgotten the reason you decided to walk a harder path.

Wear your pride as your armour. Use it protect yourself, but don't let it stop you from feeling. I've said this before haven't I? The enemy is fear and not pain. Pain exists to remind you that you are human.
It can be a scary choice... but... maybe it's worth it.
You work for someone else, but you work for yourself.

You might never be forgiven, but you might find something even more important, you will find a reason to forgive yourself. And maybe... just maybe you will achieve something more important than hollow, spoken, forgiveness, and erase your mistake, replace it with something better.

Maybe someday we won't need to hide ourselves, perhaps someday our true selves will gain the strength to stand on their own in the light of this cruel world. Perhaps we shall simply fashion for ourselves a more comfortable suit of armour.

Who knows? Maybe I've gotten it all wrong. Maybe I write merely to justify the decision to tread on a more treacherous path.
Maybe not.

From where I stand I see no end to this road.