And Fate appears to deliver a Crotch-Kick

A few days ago I was in the middle of a walk in the Lodi Gardens with my father. To avoid boredom, I was talking.

The conversation drifted from the basics of economics, to the hypocrisy of all market ideologies, to the toxicity of the US corporate setup, to the stagnation in Indian politics. Somehow, I couldn’t help bringing the conversation to my future, and the prospect of growing up.

I’ve done a lot of growing up in the past few weeks, but there are some issues still left to deal with.

I can’t imagine working in an office. My cousin came over recently and talked about his job in IT- he described it as intellectual grunt work. The fact is- if I go into Engineering- IT becomes the only job prospect available (Yes the others are still there, but they don’t pay you anything.). Also the great college experience I’ve heard so much about goes to hell when you have to do five times as much work as your peers to simply stay afloat (I’ve already done that for the past 2 years thank you, 4 more- no way!)

I was, and still am, fairly passionate about science. When I studied history, I was more passionate about it than the people around me, the same with economics as well as biology.

This raw passion for the pursuit of knowledge is a noble ideal- and one that many have commended me for, but for all practical purposes it is worthless. What use is this zeal if it stops just short of working for my bread?

The only thing I can possibly imagine doing is writing. “To be a Writer”- that was my answer when I was asked in fourth grade, back when an answer was easy to give, many career options have preceded and succeeded it, but this is the only one that has lasted. I am frustrated because circumstances have led me to believe that I have enough skill to have a chance to make it.

I am angry because I see no reason for me to be unable to do it, and yet there seems to be no way for me TO do it either.

I am frustrated because my parents can only see me being a manager or investment banker or bank manager! They’ve known me for such a long time, and yet they cannot make out the utter disdain I have for such people! They have money, but little else.

I am desperate when I see people who don’t need to stress because they’ve gotten their SAT results. They will go abroad, study in exotic places with less competition, never have to worry about the things I will, and probably end up earning more than me.

And I, the perfect one, who has done everything asked of him and much much more, will be stuck in some ‘safe’, boring, purgatory after doing through years and years of hell.
IIT, IIM, Corporate, or like my father rambled- IIT, MIT, Harvard Business School…even if I had the intelligence, and somehow accumulated enough extra-curriculars to somehow scrape myself through that- it would be an incredible waste of cash- I would be simply be a hideously educated unemployed man hitting thirty.

My parents misunderstand when I tell them that I want to be rich. I do not want money for the sake of money… there are many people who do. What I want is to harness the power to affect change that money provides.

I wish to be rich and yet I deride the arrogant rich, their every act of immodesty is an affront- testament to the triumph of greed over humanity.

And love. This is selfish, yes. I don’t think my parents care about my love life, nor should they really… just wait though...

I reveal fears that all I’ll end up being a beacon for chicks who are just after cash- or the target of parents in search of a ‘safe’ option.

I am not ‘safe’, damnit- I am fire in the shape of a man.

My parents’ reply – “Focus on your career, don’t worry about that- worst scenario, we’ll find someone for you.” AAAARGH, that doesn’t HELP!

I don’t know which is more offensive, the nonexistent career that I already hate- or the possibly unintentional assumption that I’ll be desperate to settle for whatever leftovers they bring me. (I mean no offence to people who have arranged marriages, it’s your choice. It isn’t mine.)

In any case, it’s easy for them to tell me not to worry. They ended up marrying someone they loved, and had sufficiently cute kids of different genders that went on to score lots of marks. If there is a definition of ‘Winning Life’, that’s it.
It’s hard for me, though, because I still haven’t found a reason to live and I know I won’t find it in a ‘safe’ career or a hollow relationship. I’m going to keep looking though, sorry, because if I can find it then everything else will be inconsequential.
My father’s advice to me was simple. Take life as it comes. Be happy with not knowing what is going to happen. Focus on what is before you even as you prepare for the future. You have plenty of things to look forward to.
That is the way life is meant to be lived.
I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my ideals, I said to him. He told me that he thought I could.
The things I have to do about now are…
Get into college.
Celebrate after 12th March, play my favourite games on the damn PS2.
Hit the gym and work my body out of its lethargy.
Learn to drive.
Finish learning how to ride a bike, and play the guitar.
Swim, play squash, tennis, basketball like I’ve got nothing else to care about.
Look forward to the trip to Bali in June. (W00t! WOOOHOOOOOO!!!! YES! AWESOMEEE!!!)
I was finally pumped. Ready to climb over anything that was put in my way. I was not going to fall by the wayside with a trip to Bali waiting for me on the other side- resorts are as close to heaven as you can get to on earth.
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So I’m sitting here, I need to finish four mathematics papers today and I’m not even halfway done and ‘today’ is already over, it’s almost 1 AM, working piss-harder than ever before, with little to no real hope, convinced that I’m a sad little creep, and I’m still happy. Strange, uncharacteristic optimism here.

Today my IITJEE entrance card came in the mail. It said that the counseling dates had accidentally been written wrong in the previous reference material, and the counseling was in June and not in July, coinciding almost exactly with the Bali trip.

Oh well, just one less thing to look forward to.

This was what I had in mind when I coined the phrase ‘Fate appears to deliver a crotch-kick’, which will henceforth be used to describe situations like these.
More than anything else, it is Fate’s kicks that make me question my atheism.