Analogy

Professor Richard Feynman of Caltech, perhaps still one of the most famous names in modern science, was once asked-

"If all was destroyed and all our gathered knowledge lost, and you were able to tell the humans of that time about any one scientific principle- what would it be?"

His reply-
"It would to let people know that everything in the word is made of tiny particles called atoms, which attract each other when they are far apart, and repel each other when pushed close together."

His statement may seem simple- but from it can be derived dozens of fundamental concepts of science.

I would make an analogy to this, when it comes to understanding human behaviour. Something to always keep in mind if you want to understand how the mind works.

Humans are always drawn to what is beyond their reach, and reject what they already have.

This is fundamental to being human, there is no cure to it, nor perhaps should there be.

EDIT:
I would like to take some time to appreciate the fact that I now study in a college where Mr. Feynman himself had delivered lectures- and have been fortunate enough to attend a lecture by one of Mr Feynman's students- a Nobel Prize winner in Physics.

Focus

When I started this blog, it wasn't meant for me to vent my frustrations... not for me to indulge in self pity. There was a higher purpose that I had managed to lose.


This blog, these words, are meant to explore the true nature of man.

It's a daunting task, I know, but it is something that I spend all my time thinking about... and probably always will.



There are questions that need to be answered- questions that cannot be answered by a single mind. What is Good? What is Evil? Is it all relative- is it a set of values ingrained into us by society, or is it something more innate... something that can be explained by logic, something that most- if not all- human beings understand.



The internet- I thought, was an outlet for what we really are. After all, it is here that our worst sides become most visible. We fear nothing, our anonymity makes us invulnerable, no longer bound by the laws of society and free to express hate, intolerance, ignorance, anger.



What are we really? Are we kind, or cruel? Good, or Evil?

Are we noble?

Are we savage?

We are all selfish, but is a selfish person incapable of selflessness?

I find myself having become a subject of my own analysis. I wanted to be an observer, to stay back and watch something grow, ended up wanting to care- to help, but there is a fine line between a voyeur and an observer. Perhaps the only difference is partiality, when you become involved- you have no right to continue.

My intentions were pure (or were they-? I wonder. Will they stand up to a cold, logical analysis?)

What ended up unravelling, however, was most certainly... not.

There is something that I've always believed in, although it may be ironic for someone who claims to be a writer and a thinker. Words are cheap. What you do is what really matters. I always extended this into the realm of beliefs and ideals as well.

What use are noble intentions when you are unintentionally screwing up the world? Organised religion comes to mind.

It applies to me as well... except, my reasons were selfish as well.

Trying to do something good for selfish reasons.
Is that a good thing- because the result is all that matters?
Trying to do something good for selfish reasons and messing up and ending up doing something wrong is DEFINITELY not.

How do we live life, when the lines are blurred so? Human beings are not so much complex as... confused. Unable to have faith in themselves or in others. It's funny that we choose to have a 'God' to place our trust in, when we dare not trust ourselves.

People can be capable of great empathy to absolute strangers, as long as they have something to relate to.
Equally, they can cause incredible harm over trivial differences...

Can you choose what to be, or must you be content with what you are?
We shall see.

Shadow of a man.

What kind of a fool does this?

It's true... this concept of nobility is alien to me. I am vulnerable to my instincts... to hide when there is danger, to lash out when hurt... to inflict my flaws onto others.

And this time, I have managed to prove to myself once and for all... that I am, at my core, something ugly... and it will not change. Those lofty ideals I claim to have are artificial choices, they don't come naturally to me. I assume the worst in people. Just because I know the worst in me.

If you are here to spy on your voyeur, leave now. Don't waste your time seeing him indulge in self-pity.

Paranoia. I still don't believe that I managed to waste so much emotion playing hide and seek with my own head, eventually working myself into a frenzy of poisonous thoughts. And this poison still lingers, even though it no longer has a source.

What If?
Who lied?
Does it even matter? Hah. No. If this was a test of character, I failed spectacularly. That I may not be the only one... is not a subject for me to ponder.

I am not a good person. I can't fool myself any longer. I don't deserve this, or anything else, apart from what I can claw out for myself. How am I supposed to tell people this?

It's so easy to be fooled when you haven't seen my flaws.
Don't look to me. I can't be anything to anyone.

Until I find something of value, something of substance in myself, I am only the shadow of a man.

Waking

I woke up to a birdsong today,
Finally, after a very long time.
And I lay in bed. Rapt. Silent.
And held on to every note.

For twenty seconds I found peace,
Communion, with nature.
Until I was interrupted,
By twin explosions,
Of malevolent noise.
The Doorbell.
Blow away the birdsong,
and with it, my moment.

Why could it not last longer?
Did the birds stop singing?
I cannot get rid of this pain at the back of my head,
and I can no longer return to sleep.

Turning to Stone

That fierce heartbeat has faded now.

I can't say I'm not dissapointed. Of that storm of emotion, only a few desolate thoughts linger.

I am turning to stone now. It's what I had wanted, but now that it's finally happening- and I know I can't stop it, I feel no satisfaction. You made the choice, not me.

I gave you my heart.
You could break it if you wanted to.
But it was for you to see.
And for you to do.

Now it's over, and I am not satisfied. Maybe I expected more from you, more action to back up those words.

I need to hear it said- that I was trash, was a toy, not worth a spare thought, a joke. A part of me still thinks of you as a friend. It needs to know that it's wrong, that we are strangers who do not spare each other a glance.

You chose to trade genuine affection for... for nothing.

I cannot like what you have chosen to be- attention monger, coward, wasted potential. What happened to art? To poetry, and the deeper side of life?
I had faith in you, but you turned out just like they said you would.

Was the mistake mine? I don't know. You never told me, and I am no longer so presumptuous of my own worth. I am merely stone.

I wonder. Should I throw away the last of this pride for one final attempt to make this end less pathetic? Or have some self respect, walk away?

So busy trying to be good enough, I didn't even realize that you didn't deserve me just as much as I didn't deserve you.

It's been easy for you. A little harder for me. But I'm getting there.
I hope this is the last of my attention I waste on you.
The next time we meet, my eyes will see through you, past you.
Atleast you've made it easy to forget you.

Coldplay/Epiphany

The rejection... is unimportant.

The mere fact that I- a selfish, arrogant, closed, depressed, frowning idiot, managed to fall in love, is beautiful.

I am finally happy... happier than I thought I would be for a long time.

I still promise to write about something that's actually important soon.


EDIT/HINDSIGHT:

Out of literally thousands of possibilities, the only method of rejection that could have hurt my feelings would have been to be rejected once, and rejected again, and again, and again, harder each time, just to drive the point home. Ignored. Then told that I am never to speak to this person again (back when that seemed to be the only thing I ever wanted) and then while I lie smarting, as a stream of salt upon an open wound, to find that my ugly little secret has been thrown open to the vultures and the crows of our species, finally forcing me to start believing that the blind trust I had in place was unwarranted.
It's funny how life managed to hit the nail right on the head on this occasion...
Oh and it wasn't love (No point in going into the details as it would only highlight my own insanity), but it was close enough.