ExIntrovert

Not long ago, I would be the guy who didn't speak to anyone- who replied only when spoken directly to- or pretended he hadn't heard the words. The kid in the corner, the guy who walked to parts of school no-one else ever went to, because he had nothing else to do.
I've always been an introvert (understatement-> Hyperintrovert), but something changed a while ago- not some kind of consuming epiphany or enlightenment, but a sense of urgency, a need for release.

Coming into the 11th grade was like emerging from the ocean. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I had achieved something, felt comfortable in my own skin- felt invincible.
It was this, perhaps skewed, sense of self that began to melt the walls that
I had had built around me, walls that had been coagulating for a long time.
It started early. It must have started very early because it had already set itself deeply in my psyche by the time I entered first grade.
At first I was simply following the old DontOpenYourMouthJustToShowOffYourStupidity adage. Slowly and surely though- didn't talk turned into couldn't talk.

An important thing to realize is that making conversation is not as simple as it seems, there is a fine line between a funny joke and a lame one. It's all about perspective.

So anyway-

There I was- a smart, articulate sort of chap who never spoke to anyone and looked away when someone tried to make eye contact. The fact that I was too lazy to smile would not have helped either, and people mistook a lack of confidence for arrogance. It's not a nice feeling when people try to push you down when you're already one foot under.

I never did anything to sort out this misconception, what could I have done anyway? Let them think what they want. I don't need my face to be recognized.

I will not seek attention. Attention will seek Me.

For five years of primary school I had a grand total of two friends. I'm grateful to the others who remember me, because I would've done nothing to deserve it. I found it hard to make friends. Impossible, actually, because I never approached people first. I don't think it's that hard now, though- because there is always a shortage of genuine friends in the world.

Introversion/Escapism has been the dominant shaping force in my life. It's not exactly something to be proud of- but it's there. And it's funny.

The first time I was asked out on a date by a girl (granted she was probably teasing me)- what did I do? I ran. Literally. First time I danced with abovementioned girl- "I know you've always wanted to caress my skin..." (Teasing again. It was really mean...why must they do this?) I ran again. The third thing happened in the pool... *I'll censor this story at this point to keep it PG13*, suffice to say, I ended up swimming to the edge and sprinting like an escaped convict. First time a girl kissed me?- I wasn't paying attention and I didn't realize it until people told me it'd happened.
Maybe some initiative on my part could've made these situations less embarrassing/emotionally crippling.

It's not all bad though. There are some things in life you can't see if you're too busy trying to communicate. The more noise you subject yourself to- the less you feel. I managed to make friends that I really valued, and treated the term not as a tag or position of convenience.

I followed a path of my own choice for the most part. I might have been an outcast at times, but I was never a sycophant, a stray wolf or jackal- but not a creature of the herd that follows blindly. The problem with walking alone is- of course, that you are walking alone.

4 consecutive articles on the self. Secret blogging is really feeding my narcissism. The next one is gonna be on the nature of good and evil.