I wanted to know the state of my mind.
So I closed my eyes, and listened to it.
Once again, I stood immersed in a silent, neverending, roar... a hurricane rampaging chaotically throughout my psyche- seemingly without any purpose or intent.
A storm in one eye, invisible to all.
This is my peace, like a devouring mine-fire, it intensifies and subsides on the surface, but survives uninterrupted underground. Like a whirring machine, and a turbulent flow. I wish the machinery of thought and action would just cease, for a change, no analysis, no calculation, no estimation, no doubt, no fear, no anger and no desperation... no destructive obsession...
I cannot deny that it is an enticing prospect then, for something something to numb the pain, to drown out the noises and shut down the machine... but peace obtained through chemical means is not silence, it is deafness.
I can imagine true peace, perhaps I have experienced it before. There is no hatred. There is no self pity, no self doubt. I want that- for there to be no connotations and implications, no petty prophecies, and for me to be certain that what I do is pure action, done without ulterior motive or malicious intent. Confidence, assurance, will come naturally. Wisdom will follow.
Just what am I, if I must doubt my own intentions?
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