I will not beg

I rarely ask for things. Sometimes its because I don't want to be burdened by the materialism of the world at large in the form of 'things'.

A standard barometer to judge worth, it seems, is to judge excess. Something is of greater value if more effort is put into it than needed, if it costs much more than its counterparts- esp. for negligible differences in quality.

This is not how I judge the value of a thing.

I find that people feel some kind of...happiness? satisfaction? ego-spike?... in the act of spending large amounts of money on small quantities of food, served after an hour's wait, at a five star hotel.
I get my thrills from cheap, substantial food delivered quickly, be it at any small dhaba or restaurant.

Efficiency is beauty. The worth of a thing is the use to which it will be put. Not what it costs, not what other people think it should be worth. Give me something I want, something I need, and its value is vast, give me something I do not need, and it is worthless.

A gift given only to boost one's own ego, not taking account the one for whom it is meant, is not an act of generosity- but one of vanity.

Will society now expect me to replace my value with theirs and be grateful for what I have been provided?

It is difficult for me to maintain the charade for politeness, for things as inconsequentially mundane as this.

On the other side of the fence, lie the things I want.

I do not hide my desires.

Or to be precise, I repress my desires fiercely, to the point that those that finally show come from a crucible that burns and shreds away whims and fancies, to leave behind only the most primal desires.

It's simple this way. I will never ask for something I do not want. Why would I?

To ask for something, is no small thing, though it might appear to be.
It is to leave yourself at the mercy of another, and the stronger your desire, the more power you give to people over you.

I expect people to make either the correct decision, or the wrong one. I decide that those who choose take a route that is not logically sound to me, do so taking into account factors that are outside my purview of 'giving a damn'.

Often I have not pursued what I have wanted to, because I do not want to give anyone any power, any right, to judge me as I stand before them, and to weigh me, measure me then hold me up to one their many yardsticks.

I know when I am up to the task, and they should too- if they were paying attention.

This is how I look at it-

My inability to showcase my abilities does not degrade them in any way, as long as I keep honing them on my own. The person who is unable to see what is in front of him, or unwilling to, is the one who fails to perform the task assigned to him.

Its not my loss. It's theirs.

I'm not perfect. Every now and then I feel pangs... jealous of the ones being laden with praise, sometimes I feel that others should know exactly how intelligent I am... or know what I value in life... some of the least corrupted things about me are the things no one seems to know.

But I do not pretend to be something I am not. I just don't show all my cards at once. People will find out what I am if they want to. It's simply not something I can describe in few words. Ironic but fitting, I say- for a blank face to hide a Joker, or a Jack of all Trades.

Approval... praise... visibility, these things usually mean nothing to me. There are occasions on which I seek attention from people. A few, very few, people. Usually just one.
I don't think I need to expand on what these situations could be.
You're an idiot if you haven't got it yet.

But they fade away, because they are whims.

What remains is mostly ambivalence and rare frustration.

At some point, I need to learn to deal with rejection.

Usually, when I get rejected, I don't really care, because I never really wanted it bad enough.
Being rejected, failing to do what I really want to- on the other hand, is a prospect that might drive me to the edge of sanity.

How one can become used to failure and still be passionate about something, eludes me. I guess you must have an incredible ego- to think that the whole world is wrong but you are not. My ego isn't THAT big yet.

Till we figure that one out, I'm stuck with what I am. Stubborn. Immunity due to apathy. Biting down harder on every irrational shred of pain.

The only difference is... that I no longer hide from pain, I run towards it. Perhaps I'm experimenting on replacing sloth with work. Either that or the Addict is finally recovering from his afflictions.

Why don't I beg? Why have so much pride sometimes, and none at all at others?
Why let people underestimate you, or try to put you in a box that you believe isn't nearly big enough to encompass you? Why let them think that they've walked over you, that they have any hope of doing so?

Modesty is half of it, caution is another. No proclamation should be 'premature'.

Why don't I beg?

Simple.

You don't beg for what is already yours. For what you have earned.

I don't know.