I rarely ask for things. Sometimes its because I don't want to be burdened by the materialism of the world at large in the form of 'things'.
A standard barometer to judge worth, it seems, is to judge excess. Something is of greater value if more effort is put into it than needed, if it costs much more than its counterparts- esp. for negligible differences in quality.
This is not how I judge the value of a thing.
I find that people feel some kind of...happiness? satisfaction? ego-spike?... in the act of spending large amounts of money on small quantities of food, served after an hour's wait, at a five star hotel.
I get my thrills from cheap, substantial food delivered quickly, be it at any small dhaba or restaurant.
Efficiency is beauty. The worth of a thing is the use to which it will be put. Not what it costs, not what other people think it should be worth. Give me something I want, something I need, and its value is vast, give me something I do not need, and it is worthless.
A gift given only to boost one's own ego, not taking account the one for whom it is meant, is not an act of generosity- but one of vanity.
Will society now expect me to replace my value with theirs and be grateful for what I have been provided?
It is difficult for me to maintain the charade for politeness, for things as inconsequentially mundane as this.
On the other side of the fence, lie the things I want.
I do not hide my desires.
Or to be precise, I repress my desires fiercely, to the point that those that finally show come from a crucible that burns and shreds away whims and fancies, to leave behind only the most primal desires.
It's simple this way. I will never ask for something I do not want. Why would I?
To ask for something, is no small thing, though it might appear to be.
It is to leave yourself at the mercy of another, and the stronger your desire, the more power you give to people over you.
I expect people to make either the correct decision, or the wrong one. I decide that those who choose take a route that is not logically sound to me, do so taking into account factors that are outside my purview of 'giving a damn'.
Often I have not pursued what I have wanted to, because I do not want to give anyone any power, any right, to judge me as I stand before them, and to weigh me, measure me then hold me up to one their many yardsticks.
I know when I am up to the task, and they should too- if they were paying attention.
This is how I look at it-
My inability to showcase my abilities does not degrade them in any way, as long as I keep honing them on my own. The person who is unable to see what is in front of him, or unwilling to, is the one who fails to perform the task assigned to him.
Its not my loss. It's theirs.
I'm not perfect. Every now and then I feel pangs... jealous of the ones being laden with praise, sometimes I feel that others should know exactly how intelligent I am... or know what I value in life... some of the least corrupted things about me are the things no one seems to know.
But I do not pretend to be something I am not. I just don't show all my cards at once. People will find out what I am if they want to. It's simply not something I can describe in few words. Ironic but fitting, I say- for a blank face to hide a Joker, or a Jack of all Trades.
Approval... praise... visibility, these things usually mean nothing to me. There are occasions on which I seek attention from people. A few, very few, people. Usually just one.
I don't think I need to expand on what these situations could be.
You're an idiot if you haven't got it yet.
But they fade away, because they are whims.
What remains is mostly ambivalence and rare frustration.
At some point, I need to learn to deal with rejection.
Usually, when I get rejected, I don't really care, because I never really wanted it bad enough.
Being rejected, failing to do what I really want to- on the other hand, is a prospect that might drive me to the edge of sanity.
How one can become used to failure and still be passionate about something, eludes me. I guess you must have an incredible ego- to think that the whole world is wrong but you are not. My ego isn't THAT big yet.
Till we figure that one out, I'm stuck with what I am. Stubborn. Immunity due to apathy. Biting down harder on every irrational shred of pain.
The only difference is... that I no longer hide from pain, I run towards it. Perhaps I'm experimenting on replacing sloth with work. Either that or the Addict is finally recovering from his afflictions.
Why don't I beg? Why have so much pride sometimes, and none at all at others?
Why let people underestimate you, or try to put you in a box that you believe isn't nearly big enough to encompass you? Why let them think that they've walked over you, that they have any hope of doing so?
Modesty is half of it, caution is another. No proclamation should be 'premature'.
Why don't I beg?
Simple.
You don't beg for what is already yours. For what you have earned.
I don't know.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Engineers Minus Electricity
Ok
So I made it into one of the best colleges in the country. Maybe I should be happy. I'm not.
If you are a complete moron, I will explain it in this way-
Science and engineering owns you.
It might be depressing to hear for you- if you're an arts or commerce student and have the audacity to think that you are smarter than anyone from science and engineering, you're delusional.
I'll give you a simple comparison.
St Stephens is the best arts college in the country.
The Delhi College of Engineering is ranked in the 10-15 range in the top engineering colleges of the country.
DCE > Stephens, unanimously, by account of basically everyone.
You guys are that far behind on the ladder.
I'm sorry. You guys work for 3 or 4 hours a day, we do closer to 15.
You've got to feel sorry for BITSians though, for all the shrewdness and ingenuity this place instills in you, you still can't land a chick.
Bits Pilani grads are forever doomed to watching Messrs Roorkee, Guwahati and Madras (All ranked below Bits Pil, to the idiots reading, Madras is now the worst IIT, congratulations Madras) EDIT: (All the colleges are awesome, I do not intend to offend sensibilities- on the off chance of that Er, yeah.) pick up girls in pubs by dropping the 'brand' (ugh). The same females would not even have heard of Bits.
I can understand how it would make sense to think that the fact that they haven't heard of this place would safely put them in the 'too ignorant to date' category. A more pragmatic approach would be to tell them that you're from IIT-Pilani. You get the girl and they'll never know the difference.
Seriously though (although I WAS being serious about the above point. Don't doubt it), this place is interesting. Everyone here has their tragic story about screwing up their IITJEE, which gets annoying, oh well.
"I was heartbroken."
"I panicked."
"I didn't study."
To which I reply-
"I was panicked, heartbroken AND I didn't study. Also I had a 101 degree fever in the days running into the exam. So FUCK you. My excuse is better."
The people here are pretty damn smart, you can't underestimate anyone. Its scary and awesome. Scary because intelligence breeds a peculiar form of insanity, more or less.
(I'm serious, there are people here who think they are incarnations of vampires, people who have deluded themselves into thinking they are on every sports team and have a CGPA of 10, people who eat live ants, people who talk to dogs, people who walk around singing at extremely high volumes, fat people who walk around half naked in the middle of the night and the morning, people who throw light-bulbs at people shitting in toilets for no known reason, people with machine fetishes, people who go batshit insane and think that other people are messing with their 'wavelengths', people that think they own every girl on the campus and depending on the severity, with some kind of death wish)
Luckily, I'm smart too. I won some freshers quiz when college started and was a celebrity for like, two days. (Which I missed, because I was in Delhi for those very two days)
There are rumours about me here too, out of a batch of a thousand students, people are spending their free time thinking about me. Man they must be bored. I remember the good old days when I didn't exist in a class of a hundred and twenty, fun times.
The gossip machinery here is so active, that rumours about me reach me.
Some of the nice things I've heard about myself-
- That I have a major attitude problem.
- I have rage issues.
- I'm a crybaby.
- I'm strange. (TOTALLY didn't see that one coming)
- I majorly dissed the department of sponsorship, telling them to 'get lost and stop bothering me'- thus making me both tragically stupid and badass.
- I'm Gay.
- I'm a Casanova.
- I'm a neat-freak (lulz)
- I'm a slob. (expected, do you see a pattern emerging?)
- I'm obsessed with the colour yellow.
- I'm a prude.
- I watch a lot of porn and masturbate a lot. (What else could I be doing late at night with my LIGHT ON? WRITING A BLOG? HAH. Nice try.)
- I study a lot.
- I don't study at all.
If only I could control this machine and add things like 'I'm super sexy' and 'I'm awesome in every way."
Alas.
That must wait.
In the meanwhile.
I'm not satisfied with my course, so I'm working on changing it.
Chemical Engineering is not bad, pollution control systems and heat engines and biochemical engineering are pretty interesting, but petroleum extraction = UGH.
I've been hollow for months now, and this is the only kind of drive that I have left, that comes from me.
Combinations I'm considering (realistically possible, with a bit of luck)-
Chemical + Mechanical Engineering
Chemical + Electronics Engineering
Chemical + Computer Science
Physics + EEE/E&I/CS
Economics + Mech/EEE/E&I/CS
The ultimate goal of course, would be-
Mechanical + Electrical and Electronics Engineering.
Totally badass, but almost impossible to get.
Recently, the early morning elec cuts ceased, and the weather improved. Thats nice. Life is a little bearable now.
This equation should explain that bit-
(Engineers - Electricity) = i
Eq. 1
So I made it into one of the best colleges in the country. Maybe I should be happy. I'm not.
If you are a complete moron, I will explain it in this way-
Science and engineering owns you.
It might be depressing to hear for you- if you're an arts or commerce student and have the audacity to think that you are smarter than anyone from science and engineering, you're delusional.
I'll give you a simple comparison.
St Stephens is the best arts college in the country.
The Delhi College of Engineering is ranked in the 10-15 range in the top engineering colleges of the country.
DCE > Stephens, unanimously, by account of basically everyone.
You guys are that far behind on the ladder.
I'm sorry. You guys work for 3 or 4 hours a day, we do closer to 15.
You've got to feel sorry for BITSians though, for all the shrewdness and ingenuity this place instills in you, you still can't land a chick.
Bits Pilani grads are forever doomed to watching Messrs Roorkee, Guwahati and Madras (All ranked below Bits Pil, to the idiots reading, Madras is now the worst IIT, congratulations Madras) EDIT: (All the colleges are awesome, I do not intend to offend sensibilities- on the off chance of that Er, yeah.) pick up girls in pubs by dropping the 'brand' (ugh). The same females would not even have heard of Bits.
I can understand how it would make sense to think that the fact that they haven't heard of this place would safely put them in the 'too ignorant to date' category. A more pragmatic approach would be to tell them that you're from IIT-Pilani. You get the girl and they'll never know the difference.
Seriously though (although I WAS being serious about the above point. Don't doubt it), this place is interesting. Everyone here has their tragic story about screwing up their IITJEE, which gets annoying, oh well.
"I was heartbroken."
"I panicked."
"I didn't study."
To which I reply-
"I was panicked, heartbroken AND I didn't study. Also I had a 101 degree fever in the days running into the exam. So FUCK you. My excuse is better."
The people here are pretty damn smart, you can't underestimate anyone. Its scary and awesome. Scary because intelligence breeds a peculiar form of insanity, more or less.
(I'm serious, there are people here who think they are incarnations of vampires, people who have deluded themselves into thinking they are on every sports team and have a CGPA of 10, people who eat live ants, people who talk to dogs, people who walk around singing at extremely high volumes, fat people who walk around half naked in the middle of the night and the morning, people who throw light-bulbs at people shitting in toilets for no known reason, people with machine fetishes, people who go batshit insane and think that other people are messing with their 'wavelengths', people that think they own every girl on the campus and depending on the severity, with some kind of death wish)
Luckily, I'm smart too. I won some freshers quiz when college started and was a celebrity for like, two days. (Which I missed, because I was in Delhi for those very two days)
There are rumours about me here too, out of a batch of a thousand students, people are spending their free time thinking about me. Man they must be bored. I remember the good old days when I didn't exist in a class of a hundred and twenty, fun times.
The gossip machinery here is so active, that rumours about me reach me.
Some of the nice things I've heard about myself-
- That I have a major attitude problem.
- I have rage issues.
- I'm a crybaby.
- I'm strange. (TOTALLY didn't see that one coming)
- I majorly dissed the department of sponsorship, telling them to 'get lost and stop bothering me'- thus making me both tragically stupid and badass.
- I'm Gay.
- I'm a Casanova.
- I'm a neat-freak (lulz)
- I'm a slob. (expected, do you see a pattern emerging?)
- I'm obsessed with the colour yellow.
- I'm a prude.
- I watch a lot of porn and masturbate a lot. (What else could I be doing late at night with my LIGHT ON? WRITING A BLOG? HAH. Nice try.)
- I study a lot.
- I don't study at all.
If only I could control this machine and add things like 'I'm super sexy' and 'I'm awesome in every way."
Alas.
That must wait.
In the meanwhile.
I'm not satisfied with my course, so I'm working on changing it.
Chemical Engineering is not bad, pollution control systems and heat engines and biochemical engineering are pretty interesting, but petroleum extraction = UGH.
I've been hollow for months now, and this is the only kind of drive that I have left, that comes from me.
Combinations I'm considering (realistically possible, with a bit of luck)-
Chemical + Mechanical Engineering
Chemical + Electronics Engineering
Chemical + Computer Science
Physics + EEE/E&I/CS
Economics + Mech/EEE/E&I/CS
The ultimate goal of course, would be-
Mechanical + Electrical and Electronics Engineering.
Totally badass, but almost impossible to get.
Recently, the early morning elec cuts ceased, and the weather improved. Thats nice. Life is a little bearable now.
This equation should explain that bit-
(Engineers - Electricity) = i
Eq. 1
Monday, September 7, 2009
I wonder.
Should I regret the fact that there is a facet of life that I will never know.
It is torture, to one as curious as I am.
Only once did I set for myself the same standard that I set for others.
I shall not do it again.
Perhaps, if I tried, I could continue to do so, and live my life without the pain of being myself.
And yet, I cannot be made to discard myself, and all the monumental failures and insignificant successes that are me. Each blow can only do so much, and to break me is no simple task.
A person can live in many ways. I will never be plastic, as many seem to be. Nor am I a pure, brittle, gem. I am steel, hardened by ash, and tempered by a wisdom to which I should have no right. Metal that reforms itself only in the fiery stresses of a violent furnace.
I will not hide, simply because that is the way I have shaped myself. I will not bow under the palm of another's hand. Let any who would try, risk the edge of my blade against their flesh.
Not too long ago, I was unable to think of myself as a human being.
People want to read me. They want to know what I am, break me down, and judge me. I do not know what they see in my eyes, but they do not like it.
Its strange, that when I have started thinking myself capable of all the emotions in the human spectrum, that people have appeared, who would treat me like a monster, a creature whose existence is his sin.
They cannot hope to read me, because I cannot read myself.
I only act on what is before me, on instinct.
What you do not understand should scare you.
I should be afraid of myself.
It is torture, to one as curious as I am.
Only once did I set for myself the same standard that I set for others.
I shall not do it again.
Perhaps, if I tried, I could continue to do so, and live my life without the pain of being myself.
And yet, I cannot be made to discard myself, and all the monumental failures and insignificant successes that are me. Each blow can only do so much, and to break me is no simple task.
A person can live in many ways. I will never be plastic, as many seem to be. Nor am I a pure, brittle, gem. I am steel, hardened by ash, and tempered by a wisdom to which I should have no right. Metal that reforms itself only in the fiery stresses of a violent furnace.
I will not hide, simply because that is the way I have shaped myself. I will not bow under the palm of another's hand. Let any who would try, risk the edge of my blade against their flesh.
Not too long ago, I was unable to think of myself as a human being.
People want to read me. They want to know what I am, break me down, and judge me. I do not know what they see in my eyes, but they do not like it.
Its strange, that when I have started thinking myself capable of all the emotions in the human spectrum, that people have appeared, who would treat me like a monster, a creature whose existence is his sin.
They cannot hope to read me, because I cannot read myself.
I only act on what is before me, on instinct.
What you do not understand should scare you.
I should be afraid of myself.
"Would you undergo Cosmetic Surgery-?..."
"No,"
"Never"
"NO way in Hell"
"Nope"
-were the instantaneous responses.
"... if it helped you land a super hot girl?"
"Yes."
"YES!"
"DEFINITELY"
"Never"
"NO way in Hell"
"Nope"
-were the instantaneous responses.
"... if it helped you land a super hot girl?"
"Yes."
"YES!"
"DEFINITELY"
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