Wrath

I am a creature consumed by Sin.

Wrath possesses me today. It burns 'neath my skin like fire. Ripping away all the clutter that accumulated inside and leaving me hollow. I can scarcely speak, because the words turn into a low, humming growl. Each breath is a heavy rasp. Warm.

I've used the phrase before- but it's like a rumbling inside my head. Rolling thunder. A storm. Only a heavy dose of hypocrisy and apathy can allow one to be emotional stable. I am not stable. I am possessive, I am naive, I don't know my boundaries, I have a god complex, I know I am never going to be in a relationship because I demand too much from people, and what I demand is something no one is willing to give. I demand for people to become the noblest version of themselves.

There's a little sadness in knowing full well the poison that will destroy me eventually, but I'm sick, nauseated, by everything I see around me.

I'd rather be a ball of fire that that tries to ignite everything it touches, burns everything it despises then burns out in a puff of noxious smoke, than to be scum that seeps into cracks, crevasses and corners, imperceptibly, slowly, sickening you, only a little, so you get used to it, and one day you find yourself engulfed by it, living in filth and not even noticing it.

I'd rather try to live up to an impossible ideal than to convince myself that this twisted, shallow, embittered reality is all that I can aspire to. If my stance destroys me, and leaves me isolated from this cesspool people have made for themselves, I'll have lost nothing of importance.

Why can't I just ignore it all? I don't want to.

Edit:
And one small snowflake brushed against the flame, reduced it to a small ember. It's the next morning now, the ember still smolders. I've lost a lot of the willpower I was going to put into it.

As good as it gets.

As I lay writhing in agony, something changed.

The agony in question was physical, not emotional, thankfully- bitter cold that threatened to relieve me of a few extremities, a chest, forearms and left hand that twitched and spasmed in pain.

I remembered how she used to be.
I guess... she's smiling a lot more these days.

And a small smile had formed at the edge of my lips, before it was torn away by a customary scowl. I guess that's as good as it gets.

Interesting. The nail in my chest is much smaller this time 'round.

New Year's Resolutions

> Hit the Gym

> To be a much worse friend, and a more proactive enemy.

> To kill my sense of shame.

> To master my emotions, or forget them entirely.

> To Be selfish, very very selfish.

> To Get hurt. Bad.

> Score.

> Actually succeed at this resolution thing, for once.

I'm done with the good intentions, for now. Check again next year.

Feelin' (Just A Little Bit...)

For it seems like the first time in my life, I am in possession of something I desired but did not earn.

Strange feeling.

Ain't No Hero

I went to get some new strings for my guitar after breaking my first one yesterday. A decidedly bourgeois activity. A frivolous expense for an frivolous hobby .

A found a music store on the third floor of a building in Darya Ganj, a small oasis in a sea of sweat and grime that asked me to take off my shoes before I entered it.

A teak floor, an air filtered, conditioned atmosphere, bright lights cast over arrays of beautiful painted instruments. I licked my lips as I cast aside my shitty old acoustic and let my fingers run wild over one of the shining, glistening pieces of woodwork.

After I was done in the store, I walked out with a confident strut, arms tucked into my jacket, a guitar slung over my back, feeling more like a jock than ever before in my life.
I walked past people setting cement into cracks, vendors peddling over-ripe bananas, girls and boys returning from school who looked up at me as I walked past.

I felt like an alien, an aberration in this place. So... fundamentally different.

On the footpath I saw a body... torso hidden under a magenta strip of cloth.
A child hidden in a blanket. There was no movement as I walked past. Flies buzzed past and landed on the child's exposed legs.

No one noticed the child lying in the middle of the crowded pathway.

A chilling thought ran through my mind. The boy could be dead, and they no would would know.
No one would care.

He could be dead right now. He isn't moving at all. Why is he lying in the middle of the footpath?

My mind rationalized. 'He's just sleeping, you'll just disturb him.'
But the simple truth was... that I didn't have the courage to pull off the shroud from his body.

I walked past numbly, still stung by the chill the thought had caused. I walked faster.

Two large and well fed stray dogs darted past me and to the body on the footpath. I followed their movement passively. The larger of the two, a massive tawny mongrel eyed the body hungrily. It thought for a moment before its face contorted in an expression of fury and became an array of fangs.

My heard pounded hard. I was too far. The too dogs were barely a few feet away from the child, and I was at about twenty. There was nothing I could do.

The mongrel lunged.

A third dog exploded from behind the body, howling as if possessed by a demon. This one was lean, red and fierce. Only two thirds the size of the other two dogs, it's ferocity made the two fat mongrels leap back to safe distance. The red dog issued a harsh bark. The first too growled back but didn't want to fight, they ran away- gone as fast as they'd come.

I looked at the red dog, the dog turned around and walked away. In the midst of the commotion, the kid in the magenta blanket had woken up. He looked around, scared, confused and still groggy from his sleep.

A woman rushed over to the boy, I assume she was his mother.

I wondered if he knew the animal that had protected him. If it hadn't been for the third dog... things could have gone immeasurably worse.

And all I'd been able to do was stand there and watch.

I swallowed the disgust I had for myself and walked away.