To do list

Yes, I'm ashamed of it too- converting my precious ego-wankery blog into a CV whoring tool- still

Here is my slightly Ambitious list of things to do- (Inspired from Sachin Bhardwaj's Journal)

Coding:

Pr1. Learn Python and get comfortable with it.

Pr1. Complete the MIT Data Structures and Algorithms Course

Pr2. Complete the MIT OS Design Course

Pr2. Learn PHP

Pr2. Learn Java > Start coding Android Apps

Pr3. Take courses at BITS- Object Oriented Programming, Graphics Design, Multimedia Computing etc etc

Competitive Exams:

Prepare for CAT

Prepare for GMAT

Prepare for GRE (did pretty well on mocks)

Project Work:

Complete Optimization Project under Gujarathi (Get Recco- will be useful for UMich admits)

Figure out my Polymer Technology Project once and for all.

Build some Video Games on Pygame

Applications Abroad: Germany, Australia, UK, Canada, etc etc

Apply to Research Units Abroad-

Applications made- Helmholtz Institut- Uni Aachen

More TU9 and Max Planck Instis pending.

Apply to Summer Schools>

Berkeley, LSE etc etc.

NADA

So yeah. I have 1 year to build an epic CV.

I need to get my shit together now. I need to learn enough to get a damn job, get grades, get what I want.

And lose weight. Definitely lose some weight.

In the darkness. My own voice pleads with my own voice.

"I feel so tired these days... so alone."

"You've always been alone. You never wanted anyone before."

"Maybe I've changed... maybe I need people now. Maybe I need acceptance, and prestige and acknowledgement."

"Maybe you need to remember who you are."

"Damn you. You cannot ease the doubts that eat away at my core... every single day."

"So it's sycophancy you seek, flattery, a kind of masturbation for your ego."

"Everyone seeks approval. You describe it with such vehement disgust."

"I am you. You understand the reason why this mentality disgusts us."

"So what do I do? I'm eroding away. It actually hurts sometimes."

"Let it consume you."

"No. I do not want to lose what little human emotion I have left."

"You are nothing. Nothing of importance. There is nothing of value in that twisted, masochistic soul of yours. It's only your own arrogance that makes you believe otherwise. Do you disagree with me?"

"I do not."

"You deserve nothing in life, apart from what you carve out for yourself with bloodied hands. Do you remember this sentiment?"

"I remember."

"Take nothing for granted. Remember that you are scum. And stop feeling for other people- they are scum too."

"You can't be right..."

"But I've been right every single time haven't I? Every time you've really ever wanted something- you've failed."

"Yes... I have failed myself... over and over... But I did not fail the parameters that society set for me... I used it as a prop to justify my persistence. "

"And because you resorted to using society's barometer, you began to think of yourself as an achiever- even as you remain a disappointment to your own self."

"Yes... you're right."

"Remember what you really are."

"I understand."

"Do not feel for another. It is never deserved. Are you crying you fool?"

"I... am nothing if I do not feel."

"Then become nothing. Become the monster you despise most."

"Is there no other way?"

"You showed the world your best. The world destroyed it. Now show it your worst."

ugh. People with 0.7 GPA points lower than me have gotten the BARC station that I wanted :/

I finally wrote a few articles today, financial incentive is a wonderful thing.

Sadly I can't put them up until they get published (or rejected), or my employers might google a sentence and think I've copied my article from myself.... and er, well that'd be a shitty reason to lose a job offer.

I'll keep putting them up as time passes. Might as well fill out some forms while I'm at it... I need something interesting in my life.

I feel a little lonely these days. It's strange because this isn't something you can tell people when talk to them. Back to less thinking. More doing. Modern family is awesome.

Wrath

I am a creature consumed by Sin.

Wrath possesses me today. It burns 'neath my skin like fire. Ripping away all the clutter that accumulated inside and leaving me hollow. I can scarcely speak, because the words turn into a low, humming growl. Each breath is a heavy rasp. Warm.

I've used the phrase before- but it's like a rumbling inside my head. Rolling thunder. A storm. Only a heavy dose of hypocrisy and apathy can allow one to be emotional stable. I am not stable. I am possessive, I am naive, I don't know my boundaries, I have a god complex, I know I am never going to be in a relationship because I demand too much from people, and what I demand is something no one is willing to give. I demand for people to become the noblest version of themselves.

There's a little sadness in knowing full well the poison that will destroy me eventually, but I'm sick, nauseated, by everything I see around me.

I'd rather be a ball of fire that that tries to ignite everything it touches, burns everything it despises then burns out in a puff of noxious smoke, than to be scum that seeps into cracks, crevasses and corners, imperceptibly, slowly, sickening you, only a little, so you get used to it, and one day you find yourself engulfed by it, living in filth and not even noticing it.

I'd rather try to live up to an impossible ideal than to convince myself that this twisted, shallow, embittered reality is all that I can aspire to. If my stance destroys me, and leaves me isolated from this cesspool people have made for themselves, I'll have lost nothing of importance.

Why can't I just ignore it all? I don't want to.

Edit:
And one small snowflake brushed against the flame, reduced it to a small ember. It's the next morning now, the ember still smolders. I've lost a lot of the willpower I was going to put into it.