I finally wrote a few articles today, financial incentive is a wonderful thing.

Sadly I can't put them up until they get published (or rejected), or my employers might google a sentence and think I've copied my article from myself.... and er, well that'd be a shitty reason to lose a job offer.

I'll keep putting them up as time passes. Might as well fill out some forms while I'm at it... I need something interesting in my life.

I feel a little lonely these days. It's strange because this isn't something you can tell people when talk to them. Back to less thinking. More doing. Modern family is awesome.

Wrath

I am a creature consumed by Sin.

Wrath possesses me today. It burns 'neath my skin like fire. Ripping away all the clutter that accumulated inside and leaving me hollow. I can scarcely speak, because the words turn into a low, humming growl. Each breath is a heavy rasp. Warm.

I've used the phrase before- but it's like a rumbling inside my head. Rolling thunder. A storm. Only a heavy dose of hypocrisy and apathy can allow one to be emotional stable. I am not stable. I am possessive, I am naive, I don't know my boundaries, I have a god complex, I know I am never going to be in a relationship because I demand too much from people, and what I demand is something no one is willing to give. I demand for people to become the noblest version of themselves.

There's a little sadness in knowing full well the poison that will destroy me eventually, but I'm sick, nauseated, by everything I see around me.

I'd rather be a ball of fire that that tries to ignite everything it touches, burns everything it despises then burns out in a puff of noxious smoke, than to be scum that seeps into cracks, crevasses and corners, imperceptibly, slowly, sickening you, only a little, so you get used to it, and one day you find yourself engulfed by it, living in filth and not even noticing it.

I'd rather try to live up to an impossible ideal than to convince myself that this twisted, shallow, embittered reality is all that I can aspire to. If my stance destroys me, and leaves me isolated from this cesspool people have made for themselves, I'll have lost nothing of importance.

Why can't I just ignore it all? I don't want to.

Edit:
And one small snowflake brushed against the flame, reduced it to a small ember. It's the next morning now, the ember still smolders. I've lost a lot of the willpower I was going to put into it.

As good as it gets.

As I lay writhing in agony, something changed.

The agony in question was physical, not emotional, thankfully- bitter cold that threatened to relieve me of a few extremities, a chest, forearms and left hand that twitched and spasmed in pain.

I remembered how she used to be.
I guess... she's smiling a lot more these days.

And a small smile had formed at the edge of my lips, before it was torn away by a customary scowl. I guess that's as good as it gets.

Interesting. The nail in my chest is much smaller this time 'round.

New Year's Resolutions

> Hit the Gym

> To be a much worse friend, and a more proactive enemy.

> To kill my sense of shame.

> To master my emotions, or forget them entirely.

> To Be selfish, very very selfish.

> To Get hurt. Bad.

> Score.

> Actually succeed at this resolution thing, for once.

I'm done with the good intentions, for now. Check again next year.

Feelin' (Just A Little Bit...)